so conflicted i typed it from my phone.

I am extremely confused. I feel sick as a dog, but I wonder if I feel like this in part because my emotions are in the way. I'm happy to be home, but I wonder if it was a silly idea missing my last undergrad Halloween. My freshman year, I handed out candy in the dorms and went to bed. My sophomore year I went out with my best friend and my boyfriend of the time, both of whom came to visit, and I remember my boyfriend being irritated with me and then dancing with a bunch of women, then sitting back and telling them to "just do whatever, I'll sit here and watch." And this year I've come home. I spent $60 on (albeit reusable) jewelry for a costume I won't wear because my two in-town friends are for once out of town. One is visiting a mutual friend who currently hates me. They are both very excited to hang out. They're having an absolute blast together. They are both coming up to my school to visit me in a couple weeks for my formal, but because I told them to, not because they chose to or particularly want to. At school I would have been dragged out to a party, date dash (for which I have no date). I would have stayed out for a bit, then turned in no later than midnight because I feel like shit, microwaved.

I think this weekend is just kind of a mess no matter how you cut it. I'm sad though, that for once someone cared enough to seek me out and I wasn't fucking there. I just don't know how to feel besides constantly angry. That's all I ever seem to be anymore is angry. Maybe not on the surface, but underneath it all I am angry.

I guess the one upside is this: all I was really excited about was going to sleep cuddling with Oliver, but he didn't want me. In the process of typing this, however, he has returned and is cleaning himself, preparing for the long haul that is a full night's rest with me :)

The New Madrid Fault in My Life

 
This weekend is not lining up as cleanly as I might like. If I stay here, I'll be alone for most of the weekend watching movies and playing my new Sims game, and Saturday night will consist of a party I briefly attend, only to be ditched prematurely by people who said they'd stick with me (not an assumption: this has happened at almost every party so far this semester, and we're past midterm), or I'll turn in early of my own volition because I'm sick. If I go home, my parents will be around, but my friends won't be, meaning there will be no sort of festivities at all. Unless I convince them to go to a haunted house with me... and that seems fairly unlikely.

I was really kind of looking forward to Halloween. I was going to be a gypsy. The closer it gets, though, the less I care.

Apathy is setting in hard. Either it's senioritis or general discontent, I'm not sure.

I had to turn the heat on today. Winter's coming and there's no ignoring it anymore. Winter is going to be rough this year. More specifically, Christmas will be rough this year. Interpersonally, everything's messed up and I don't really know how to deal with it. I don't even want to think about it.

it's just a jump to the left

I am moving forward. I applied to Teach for America. I'm a big kid. I'm doing things not because I have to, but because I want to, because I fucking can.

Today, I'm going to finish my story. Tonight, I will watch a movie and knit. Tomorrow, I will have lunch with a friend and register for my last semester of classes.

And this weekend? I'm dressing up as a gypsy, I'm partying, and then I'm taking it down a notch and playing my new Sims game. Oh, and crafting. And watching Bollywood movies in bed.

All I ever wanted was to be happy. The kind of happy that glows, that really pisses off unhappy people. I'm slowly figuring it out. And I don't need anyone.

And you know what else?

I'm not a rag doll. Why do I have to keep reminding everyone that I am, in fact, a grown woman and deserve to be treated as such?

Things I Want to Say and Can't

 
Hit me up when you wanna put your big boy pants on.

Let's chat when that whole rectal-cranial approximation thing clears up.

I just don't give a shit.

I'm in pain.

You wouldn't understand this level of masochism if you beat yourself in the head with it.

Stop talking.

Do you have any idea what's going on in my life, much less my head?

You're vain and you talk too fucking much.

Make it stop.

I surrender, Life. You win.

it was a beautiful letdown

And I'm looking through the glass
where the light bends at the cracks,
and I'm screaming at the top of my lungs,
pretending the echoes belong to someone...
someone I used to know.
- The Postal Service

I've never gone through something that I felt the need to emotionally deal with so single-handedly before. It's refreshing, but at the same time wholly terrifying. I want to talk about it, or rather scream, but there's no one really adequate to talk to about it because I don't want to hear what I'm doing wrong, I don't want to hear stop. I just want to scream. And as it seems, being an island unto myself is apparently the only way to scream uninhibited. I have also found talking to myself to be more effective than perhaps I would like.

Last night I convinced myself that God (in whom I don't completely believe) was going to wait a while to show me someone perfect, because He knows I deserve someone perfect and He doesn't want me to waste my time with people who aren't. Do you know how comforting I found that line of bullshit? Extremely. It's pretty clear to me that I'm completely losing it.

Bursting at the Seams

I remember he taught me what a Superman was,
because he thought my handwriting
demanded a jolt against the naïvete.
And I don't want to learn how to dougie.
The dullish bass of sex and sweat
makes me long for the rallying diabetic sweet
of a well-timed guitar chord.
The bass slowly vibrated me apart.
Faye wants this over with, but we forcefully go on.
Tomorrow I will realize the treasure hunt continues.
This woody drink is my shirt on the floor,
and in the morning I will be preposterous.
Soy un ejemplo triste.
My high high heels wobble derisively.
The bass in here is sickly sweet as I vibrate away.

________________________________________

This was an assignment for my poetry class, where each line has a goal/project, like "Modify a noun with an unlikely adjective", "Make a nonhuman object say or do something human (personification)", "Make a declarative assertion that sounds convincing but that finally makes no sense". So I took it line by line, project by project and made a poem. I thought it was interesting what finally came out.
And so I share.

the forgotten post-it

Maybe my life is a Bollywood movie. Maybe unbelievable bliss is followed by immeasurable pain. If this were a Bollywood movie, I would be Kajol. Only Kajol can be as graceless, tactless and goofy as me. And the male lead would be...? Well, I can't address that right now. But I know I would be Kajol. And the male lead would think I'm an idiot for a long time. Sigh. Now, for something completely different.

My life is a constant string of reminders, is what I've come to realize. Reminders on post-its, on my hand, in my planner, on scraps of paper, and worst of all, in the back of my head. I can keep track of all the other modes, but it's the reminders in the back of my head that always get lost. Which means that the reminder I'm most keeping track of right now is one that needs to be written down somewhere. I'll post it everywhere:  

Keep it together, Erin, and deal.

Fifteen Years Old and Not Counting

If one more person that I know personally that is my age (or younger!!) gets married before me, I'm going to have to throw a fit. Which means I'll probably have to throw a fit in the next week or so, because it seems like every week I'm finding out about another person getting married.

I could deal if it were just the lucky few, but it's not. It's like, fucking everyone. Either we're in the 50's, or I'm completely missing something. I just checked my calendar to be sure, so apparently it's the latter, that I'm missing something.

Are they misguided and doing things too early? Is this the new norm that I have yet to accept? Or am I just unlucky?

With the way things seem to go lately, I'm going to say probably all of the above, with particular emphasis on the whole "I'm unlucky" end of things.

I have friends in the exact same boat as me. EXACT SAME! Well, okay, just one friend, but she dated the same guy for even a bit longer than I did. And do you know how she's doing? Really well. She's still afraid of dating, but she's capable of flirting, messing around, whatever. You know what I'm capable of? Blushing like an idiot and/or consistently saying the wrong things.

I'm going to stop trying, and when somebody sees me for me, it'll be a good day.

Sunday Morning, Sun Is Shining

Oh my god. I did it. I planned an event and it went so smoothly. As I looked around yesterday at all the dads and their daughters, and my mom just taking pictures and people racing canoes and enjoying my dad's chili, I remembered They're all here because I invited them. They're all here because of me and suddenly I felt like I was king of the world.

It felt nice having people tell me I'm funny. Too often I let a specific three people in my life tell me what I am and what I am not. Everyone else thinks I'm funny and entertaining. Everyone else thinks I'm sweet and caring. So what are those three missing? Maybe they're specifically trying not to laugh when I crack a joke... frankly, it wouldn't be unlike them.

I'm excited to go home for midterm break. Not because it's home or because I have anything spectacular planned, but because it's just one more motion, one more thing I get to do.

I think I'm successfully moving forward. I realized it last night at dinner, when I suddenly became really excited for future Prim Rose mixers with ATO. It's about time. There are things in life that I just know I deserve, and I refuse to be denied.

Today, I am going to cook dinner for one of my best friends, watch movies, study for a test I actually think I can pass, and eat the gourmet cookies I baked for my parents. It's going to be a great Sunday.