a confession

When I was a freshman in high school, one of those silly questionnaires went around the internet for people's blogs, and I filled one out. One of the questions asked "Do you sing on the toilet?" (I repeat: it was a really silly questionnaire.) I answered no because the girl before me had responded "omg no, who does that?!" and I thought it was clearly weird.

I lied. I sing on the toilet like I sing in the shower. I'm my own bathroom musical.

her name was mcgill

 One's music taste grows largely in their teenage years. Ages fourteen through twenty, I was influenced primarily by one person, and most of my music taste has grown from that relationship. I have the Beatles all to myself, and a few other gems, but most of it is not entirely my own, or has been tainted by experience.

Now I'm taking notes from another who is brokenhearted and seems to be taking all the right steps. My own music. What a perfectly logical, clear solution.

And how very fortunate and timely that I should have gotten $30 in iTunes gift cards for Christmas.

Time to go exploring.

i am a carpenter, fixing everything

It's just about Christmastime. Nothing could ruin this. My mom is running around like a chicken with its head cut off cleaning everything in sight, the tree has strange, overly bright LED lights on it, I'm sick as a dog and god dammit we forgot a couple presents. No big deal. It's Christmas. There's a surprise tomorrow with my amazing Big that's got my name all over it, I'm cuddled up under the softest Yellow Submarine blanket given to me by my amazing best friend, and my mom is being an absolute saint and taking care of me in this, my most pathetic state. Yesterday I tried to play Tomb Raider for the first time since I was little, and I still stayed in the mansion because I was too scared to encounter bears, and the whole while my parents sat back and laughed at my incapability with videogames. My hair is purple.

No thing and no one is going to ruin this, god dammit. You can try as hard as you want, and yeah, I may cry for a while, but in the end, I'm still working 24/7 to be happy and I'm slowly starting to succeed.

Merry Christmas. I needed this.

fragmented

I'm going to talk myself through this and fix it before it becomes a mental snap, because I am the only person in the world who can completely make myself feel better. This is going to sound like a lot of convincing but if I read it enough times it'll be true.

Okay. First of all, it just doesn't matter. I am a single woman and my ex-boyfriend is in a new relationship and that is fine. What happens in that relationship has nothing to do with me and it does not affect me.

Second of all, any lust left between us is a force of habit, nothing more. It shouldn't be anything more and it isn't anything more.

Third of all, I am wonderful. Someday someone is going to see that completely, not in fragments. And that's why this doesn't matter. Because it's only fragments. Pieces parts that never got glued together all the way anyway.

None of this matters.

There. No more tears. And I did it myself.

you could be my punk rock princess

I wish I was a princess. Princesses are a hot, rare commodity.

I'm conflicted. Always conflicted. Forgiving shouldn't be easy, especially not for some of the things I regularly forgive, but I do it all the time anyway, like it's a piece of cake. Maybe I'm not forgiving all the way? Or maybe I'm especially good at it.

I'm exploring the waters of being destructive. Okay, not really destructive, I haven't broken anything and I don't intend to. But I mean I'm hellbent on doing whatever I feel like doing. And it's silly, but I feel like I'm releasing myself when I so much as paint my nails almost black. Friday I'm putting bright purple streaks in my hair. Emo much? Not really. Just bored and destructive. If I get a job this summer, I might get that other tattoo I've been thinking about. The rose. Romance and friends. Two of the most important things I have. Not the only two, because of course family is important, but romance and friends are signified in that rose.

Tonight I want to kiss someone. Nothing more, just kiss. It doesn't even have to be perfect. Just to prove... I don't know, it doesn't really prove anything. I just want to.

Beautiful destruction. I don't know what that means, but I love the backwardness of it.

finding out

I had a truly wonderful, perfectly collegiate night with some of the most beautiful people in my world. Nights like that keep me grounded, remind me that not everything is as big as it seems. And that sometimes, the little things are the best things. I'm smiling just thinking about it. My phone died and I just didn't care because I was already with the most amazing people, I didn't need to be worrying about others trying to contact me that weren't even there.

Today is a me-day. I've had a lot of those recently and they were kind of inescapable because I didn't have class but all my friends did. Today I can do whatever I want with whoever I want, but I choose me. Until tonight, that is ;)

Sometimes I feel recovered. Right now is one of those times.

dreaming

fastest litany

I am not grateful for the things I have, this is true.

For example, I am not grateful for the "friends" who make me cry.

Actually, that's the only example I have. I'm grateful for everything else.

walls like paper

There is a couple that lives above me. Often I hear parties up there. Sometimes I hear them screwing right above me. Tonight I heard him screaming at her. Telling her to shut the fuck up, her voice is aggravating. Telling her to work out with him because he knows she doesn't like her figure and she's too much of a lazy ass to do anything about it. I never hear them laugh.

Tonight I went up there and I told him that I was working on a paper and it was hard to do over his constant screaming "Shut the fuck up!"

I haven't heard anything since.

Is this how men are?

hark, hear the bells

 Favorite Christmas songs:

1. Ukranian Carol (Carol of the Bells)
2. Happy Xmas (War Is Over)
3. The Most Wonderful Day of the Year
4. Baby, It's Cold Outside

Something inside me feels excited despite everything when I hear these songs.

God, I'm really afraid of what comes next...