I feel so incredibly lonely.
Maybe it's the packing and the turmoil.
Maybe it's the lack of sunshine starting to choke out the happy chemicals in my brain.
Maybe it's the change.
Maybe it's the nonstop missing.
Maybe it's the unfinished love.
Maybe it's the wanting.
Maybe it's the lack.
Or maybe it's some horrible, fucked up combination.
1/31/12
12/9/11
a series of unfortunate events
I know it's a little early for end-of-year reflections, but I want to lay it all out, organize it, think about it, and resolve it.
Let us begin at the beginning of the year, where I was still dealing with an horrific break-up, seeking counseling for clinical depression, and watching the man I loved seemingly love someone else. In retrospect, I don't know what happened. I don't know why everyone else seems so capable of moving on, but I sank until I hit the bottom of the well, and then I couldn't even look up. Perhaps it was because I felt like I couldn't get away from it. The beginning of the year marks the middle of me refusing to speak to him, which in some respects helped. I defined it as this: when I was speaking to him, I felt so sickeningly horrible; when I wasn't, I felt nothing. I reasoned that feeling nothing was a step up from feeling horrible.
February I found out I have hypothyroidism. Not a huge thing, it just means my thyroid doesn't work hard enough. It explained a lot of things, and taking medicine for it helps. But it scared me, because of the constant medicine thing, and because the only thing that had ever been wrong with my was my vision and my allergies to silicone, grass and pine trees. Also, it meant I had to have blood drawn on a tri-monthly basis until my levels evened out (which they haven't yet, 10 months later), and I am terrified of having blood drawn.
Moving on to my 21st birthday. I went out at midnight with my ex, which was the winding down party of Mardi Gras. It was so much fun, and we discovered my favorite bar ever down on Washington Ave. It was a fun, drunken night. But also, it was turbulent. I managed to continue having fun into the following night, the actual night of my birthday, when I went out with all my amazing friends. The turbulence continued, but my friends made sure I was too drunk to care for very long. I have amazing friends :)
In April he left her, and we started talking more and hanging out more. It felt good. But I'm a creature of habit.
In May I graduated. That was a bittersweet moment. I did it a year early, which was nice and I was very proud of myself, but I also hated myself because I felt like I had intentionally torn myself away from all my friends prematurely. Why would I do that to myself? But all was well. I moved home, set up shop here. I still get to see them, though it tears me up how infrequently.
In late May, I visited Spain. A beautiful, amazing trip. My favorite part was the Alhambra in Granada, the last Muslim stronghold in Spain. So spectacular. I wish I hadn't been so lonely on that trip. It was really an overbearing feeling over the course of the entire trip, and I feel kind of petulant saying so. But I wouldn't trade that trip for the world. I'd just perhaps force a friend to go with me.
In June my dad shut down his firm. That meant no more income. I thought we were avoiding the economy, just sitting in our warm house looking out the window at it, but now we were in it, too. "Were"... really we are. I've had friends deal with this, and I suppose I just didn't understand until I experienced it, too. It sucks. I'm done experiencing it.
July passed with little activity. I searched for a job, I played computer games a lot. With no money and little morale, I didn't feel much impetus to accomplish anything.
In August I got the worst job ever. I also got a UTI. Guess which one sucks more. I really can't tell you, because they're about equal. I hate my job. It completely ruins my self-esteem on a day-to-day basis. The UTI was pretty awful, too. Also in August, school started. This was a day I had been meaning to avoid, the day I attended a school I didn't want to go to, a school where the only person I knew was literally never on campus at the same time as me. I was taking night classes, which I've always hated, and working all day during the day and on weekends.
September and October passed in a blink. I worked. I went to school. For Halloween I dressed up as a gypsy in order to loaf around my house and hand out candy to all 9 trick-or-treaters. I watched a horror movie with my family.
In November the house went on the market. This is not something I talk about, and that is intentional.
Now, in December, we are gearing up for the weirdest Christmas we've ever had, with the least accoutrements we've ever seen. I'm searching for a new job. Both my parents are looking for work. It's sort of a bleak situation, but I've been listening to Christmas music out the wazoo, and I will be buying the tree and paying for the Christmas cookies. I will make it look normal. Maybe I will buy a small trinket for people close to me (though I probably won't get to that under the glare of tuition and textbooks). I am determined to feel normal this Christmas. (A thought! I may not be able to buy anything, but I can afford a thing of yarn! I have time to knit gifties!)
I know that January 1st doesn't represent anything but another day on a new calendar. But I need it to mean something to me. This year was... not good, overall. It had bright spots, but overall I think I can say that I have never been so happy to see the tail end of a year than this one. I need January 1st to be a turnaround. I need it to start something brand new and better. I deserve something brand new and better, I think.
Let us begin at the beginning of the year, where I was still dealing with an horrific break-up, seeking counseling for clinical depression, and watching the man I loved seemingly love someone else. In retrospect, I don't know what happened. I don't know why everyone else seems so capable of moving on, but I sank until I hit the bottom of the well, and then I couldn't even look up. Perhaps it was because I felt like I couldn't get away from it. The beginning of the year marks the middle of me refusing to speak to him, which in some respects helped. I defined it as this: when I was speaking to him, I felt so sickeningly horrible; when I wasn't, I felt nothing. I reasoned that feeling nothing was a step up from feeling horrible.
February I found out I have hypothyroidism. Not a huge thing, it just means my thyroid doesn't work hard enough. It explained a lot of things, and taking medicine for it helps. But it scared me, because of the constant medicine thing, and because the only thing that had ever been wrong with my was my vision and my allergies to silicone, grass and pine trees. Also, it meant I had to have blood drawn on a tri-monthly basis until my levels evened out (which they haven't yet, 10 months later), and I am terrified of having blood drawn.
Moving on to my 21st birthday. I went out at midnight with my ex, which was the winding down party of Mardi Gras. It was so much fun, and we discovered my favorite bar ever down on Washington Ave. It was a fun, drunken night. But also, it was turbulent. I managed to continue having fun into the following night, the actual night of my birthday, when I went out with all my amazing friends. The turbulence continued, but my friends made sure I was too drunk to care for very long. I have amazing friends :)
In April he left her, and we started talking more and hanging out more. It felt good. But I'm a creature of habit.
In May I graduated. That was a bittersweet moment. I did it a year early, which was nice and I was very proud of myself, but I also hated myself because I felt like I had intentionally torn myself away from all my friends prematurely. Why would I do that to myself? But all was well. I moved home, set up shop here. I still get to see them, though it tears me up how infrequently.
In late May, I visited Spain. A beautiful, amazing trip. My favorite part was the Alhambra in Granada, the last Muslim stronghold in Spain. So spectacular. I wish I hadn't been so lonely on that trip. It was really an overbearing feeling over the course of the entire trip, and I feel kind of petulant saying so. But I wouldn't trade that trip for the world. I'd just perhaps force a friend to go with me.
In June my dad shut down his firm. That meant no more income. I thought we were avoiding the economy, just sitting in our warm house looking out the window at it, but now we were in it, too. "Were"... really we are. I've had friends deal with this, and I suppose I just didn't understand until I experienced it, too. It sucks. I'm done experiencing it.
July passed with little activity. I searched for a job, I played computer games a lot. With no money and little morale, I didn't feel much impetus to accomplish anything.
In August I got the worst job ever. I also got a UTI. Guess which one sucks more. I really can't tell you, because they're about equal. I hate my job. It completely ruins my self-esteem on a day-to-day basis. The UTI was pretty awful, too. Also in August, school started. This was a day I had been meaning to avoid, the day I attended a school I didn't want to go to, a school where the only person I knew was literally never on campus at the same time as me. I was taking night classes, which I've always hated, and working all day during the day and on weekends.
September and October passed in a blink. I worked. I went to school. For Halloween I dressed up as a gypsy in order to loaf around my house and hand out candy to all 9 trick-or-treaters. I watched a horror movie with my family.
In November the house went on the market. This is not something I talk about, and that is intentional.
Now, in December, we are gearing up for the weirdest Christmas we've ever had, with the least accoutrements we've ever seen. I'm searching for a new job. Both my parents are looking for work. It's sort of a bleak situation, but I've been listening to Christmas music out the wazoo, and I will be buying the tree and paying for the Christmas cookies. I will make it look normal. Maybe I will buy a small trinket for people close to me (though I probably won't get to that under the glare of tuition and textbooks). I am determined to feel normal this Christmas. (A thought! I may not be able to buy anything, but I can afford a thing of yarn! I have time to knit gifties!)
I know that January 1st doesn't represent anything but another day on a new calendar. But I need it to mean something to me. This year was... not good, overall. It had bright spots, but overall I think I can say that I have never been so happy to see the tail end of a year than this one. I need January 1st to be a turnaround. I need it to start something brand new and better. I deserve something brand new and better, I think.
11/14/11
disclosures
The realtor asked us to come up with a list of disclosures about our house, things a future buyer should know. I've created my own list.
You know that huge tree in the back corner of the the backyard, the cyprus? The one that sheds spiky orange things like crazy? It's only about half grown. Watch out.
The Christmas tree looks prettiest in the corner of the living room under the stairs, next to the bay window. That way it's in plain view as soon as you come in the front door, and it's furthest from the fireplace.
The floors in the kitchen etch. Anything you spill on it, even if it's just water, you need to clean up immediately. Sorry about that... it was my mom's flooring choice, and the bane of our existence.
Sorry about the scratches in the hardwood floors about three feet in front of the bay windows in the living room. I once had a dog, and she used to lay there, but she was sort of klutzy and would scratch the floors when she tried to get up.
Be especially nice to the walls in the foyer, upstairs and the stairwell. They're hand-painted, a nifty idea the painter had where he used either a rag or a plastic bag (I can't remember) to create that look, which makes it look like flowers and leaves. Also, the paint in the kitchen is hand-painted. The contractor, who moonlights as a muralist, painted those cracks and veins very carefully and by hand. So be careful with those.
There's a creak on the floor right in front of the stairs. Your teenagers will realize it's there and will take great pains to step over it when they come home past curfew.
On a similar note, the air vents in the basement go right up to the bedrooms. No funny business.
The rugs on the stairs are so soft and silky, but until you get used to them, avoid running up and down the stairs in socks. You will slip, and it won't be forgiving.
The closet in the bedroom closest to the front of the house is nearly soundproof, meaning you can't really hear anything happening in the house. If you're having a bad day, it's nice to crawl in there and ignore everything for a little while.
In the summer and fall, look out the window of that same bedroom, straight to the lake, and watch the light dance on the water.
The garage best houses an Infiniti G35 and a Volvo S80, but in place of the Volvo, an Audi A6 will do, too.
When you pull up in front of the house to park, line the nose of your car up with the line of asphalt closest to the neighbor's driveway: if you don't pull up this far, the mailman will make the effort to get out of his truck to leave a nasty-gram on your windshield saying he can't get to your mailbox, despite the fact that he's already out of his truck.
The playroom in the basement is the best place in the world to build blanket forts.
In the second bathroom upstairs, leave the door open a crack and the ventilator fan on while you shower, otherwise you'll overheat from the steam and feel like you're going to pass out.
Sorry about the weird outline of a dog on the driveway and a girl in the garage: it was a Halloween hijinks mishap that was supposed to wash away and some 6-8 years later still hasn't.
The screen door in the garage snaps shut faster when the weather gets colder, so if you don't hustle through the doorway, it'll bite the back of your ankle, which really freakin' hurts.
Only three of the six burners on the stove actually light up to the full flame. We don't get it.
I think that's pretty much it. I hope the realtor finds this a complete enough list.
_____________________________________
You know that huge tree in the back corner of the the backyard, the cyprus? The one that sheds spiky orange things like crazy? It's only about half grown. Watch out.
The Christmas tree looks prettiest in the corner of the living room under the stairs, next to the bay window. That way it's in plain view as soon as you come in the front door, and it's furthest from the fireplace.
The floors in the kitchen etch. Anything you spill on it, even if it's just water, you need to clean up immediately. Sorry about that... it was my mom's flooring choice, and the bane of our existence.
Sorry about the scratches in the hardwood floors about three feet in front of the bay windows in the living room. I once had a dog, and she used to lay there, but she was sort of klutzy and would scratch the floors when she tried to get up.
Be especially nice to the walls in the foyer, upstairs and the stairwell. They're hand-painted, a nifty idea the painter had where he used either a rag or a plastic bag (I can't remember) to create that look, which makes it look like flowers and leaves. Also, the paint in the kitchen is hand-painted. The contractor, who moonlights as a muralist, painted those cracks and veins very carefully and by hand. So be careful with those.
There's a creak on the floor right in front of the stairs. Your teenagers will realize it's there and will take great pains to step over it when they come home past curfew.
On a similar note, the air vents in the basement go right up to the bedrooms. No funny business.
The rugs on the stairs are so soft and silky, but until you get used to them, avoid running up and down the stairs in socks. You will slip, and it won't be forgiving.
The closet in the bedroom closest to the front of the house is nearly soundproof, meaning you can't really hear anything happening in the house. If you're having a bad day, it's nice to crawl in there and ignore everything for a little while.
In the summer and fall, look out the window of that same bedroom, straight to the lake, and watch the light dance on the water.
The garage best houses an Infiniti G35 and a Volvo S80, but in place of the Volvo, an Audi A6 will do, too.
When you pull up in front of the house to park, line the nose of your car up with the line of asphalt closest to the neighbor's driveway: if you don't pull up this far, the mailman will make the effort to get out of his truck to leave a nasty-gram on your windshield saying he can't get to your mailbox, despite the fact that he's already out of his truck.
The playroom in the basement is the best place in the world to build blanket forts.
In the second bathroom upstairs, leave the door open a crack and the ventilator fan on while you shower, otherwise you'll overheat from the steam and feel like you're going to pass out.
Sorry about the weird outline of a dog on the driveway and a girl in the garage: it was a Halloween hijinks mishap that was supposed to wash away and some 6-8 years later still hasn't.
The screen door in the garage snaps shut faster when the weather gets colder, so if you don't hustle through the doorway, it'll bite the back of your ankle, which really freakin' hurts.
Only three of the six burners on the stove actually light up to the full flame. We don't get it.
_____________________________________
I think that's pretty much it. I hope the realtor finds this a complete enough list.
10/21/11
the saddest dreamscape
I had a dream last night that I was a few years older, and I had a husband and a daughter. She was only an infant, maybe a year old. I went away for a while on a research trip, and when I returned they had developed a routine together that I was not part of. He knew what her little cries meant, and they had a system. She didn't want me. When he put her in the carrier, I asked to carry her. He agreed, reluctantly. I tried not to bounce the carrier as I walked because she was asleep, but I couldn't hold it steady. I kept knocking it against my leg.
10/9/11
disoriented
What a terrible, horrible weekend. I feel like I spent the entire weekend in tears, but I really didn't cry that much. I just... I missed out on a wonderful weekend with my friends and instead spent the entire weekend working at a job I hate and arguing with my best friend. I thought I would be taken out on a date, but he was just kidding. I thought I'd get to go to a park again, but that fell through. I thought I might go out, but I'm broke.
And now I'm realizing that when I want to be alone, I don't get it. Either someone is demanding my attention or someone is just floating around and I feel the need to float, too. It's not normally a problem, but sometimes I just need to fucking be alone. And when I desperately want to be around people, interacting and having a good time, they're too busy.
I feel like my life is a downward spiral. I am lonely, but surrounded. I am broke, but working. I am bored, but learning. I don't ever seem to get what I want, even if it's just something little like the right ice cream. Everything feels wrong, out of place. I feel out of place.
And now I'm realizing that when I want to be alone, I don't get it. Either someone is demanding my attention or someone is just floating around and I feel the need to float, too. It's not normally a problem, but sometimes I just need to fucking be alone. And when I desperately want to be around people, interacting and having a good time, they're too busy.
I feel like my life is a downward spiral. I am lonely, but surrounded. I am broke, but working. I am bored, but learning. I don't ever seem to get what I want, even if it's just something little like the right ice cream. Everything feels wrong, out of place. I feel out of place.
10/7/11
a story about a nice man
Yesterday, an older, portly gentleman of approximately 70 came into my store. He looked slightly disoriented, like perhaps he had stumbled into the wrong store by some unhappy accident. I walked up to him and, as is customary procedure in my store, said, "Hello, sir, and how are you doing today?"
He turned his ruddy face toward me and his eyes expanded behind large glasses. "How do you think I'm doing when a beautiful woman walks up and says hello to me?" He laughed heartily. "Do I get a hug, too?"
Surprised, I laughed, as well. "No, sir, not today, I think." I appraised him quickly, noting that our store was probably not going to suit his fancy. "What brings you in today?"
He looked around. "I always walk into stores like this thinking I'll be able to wear the younger stuff, and then I realize I'm not as young as I think I am." He laughed again. I enjoyed his laugh. I informed him that our wares are relatively simple, which makes much of it suitable for all ages. I knew that what I was saying was completely worthless because he obviously wasn't going to buy anything here, but I didn't want to get in trouble with my manager for too quickly rebuffing a customer. He shook his head, thanked me for my effort.
He then told me that I was a wonderful employee. "Really, if I had a store, I would want you to work there. You're very good."
"Thank you," I told him.
"You know, you're going to go very far in life. You're just magnificent, I can tell. You're lucky in that God stretched your skin in a nice way, but it's not that, it's that your soul is lovely. You're very bright, people trust you and they like you. You'll go far in life, I know it. And there's something about the timbre of your voice... lovely, very bright."
I blushed. He thanked me again for my efforts. He left, and I stood where I had met him, stunned and pleased.
He turned his ruddy face toward me and his eyes expanded behind large glasses. "How do you think I'm doing when a beautiful woman walks up and says hello to me?" He laughed heartily. "Do I get a hug, too?"
Surprised, I laughed, as well. "No, sir, not today, I think." I appraised him quickly, noting that our store was probably not going to suit his fancy. "What brings you in today?"
He looked around. "I always walk into stores like this thinking I'll be able to wear the younger stuff, and then I realize I'm not as young as I think I am." He laughed again. I enjoyed his laugh. I informed him that our wares are relatively simple, which makes much of it suitable for all ages. I knew that what I was saying was completely worthless because he obviously wasn't going to buy anything here, but I didn't want to get in trouble with my manager for too quickly rebuffing a customer. He shook his head, thanked me for my effort.
He then told me that I was a wonderful employee. "Really, if I had a store, I would want you to work there. You're very good."
"Thank you," I told him.
"You know, you're going to go very far in life. You're just magnificent, I can tell. You're lucky in that God stretched your skin in a nice way, but it's not that, it's that your soul is lovely. You're very bright, people trust you and they like you. You'll go far in life, I know it. And there's something about the timbre of your voice... lovely, very bright."
I blushed. He thanked me again for my efforts. He left, and I stood where I had met him, stunned and pleased.
9/13/11
stuck elsewhere
You know, if Harry Potter was real, I'd be Hermione Granger and I'd have the most amazing, most loyal friends around me all the time, and a goofy, athletic, sweet guy would suddenly and magically realize that he loves me, despite the fact that I'm kind of annoying and a bit of a know-it-all. Despite the fact.
9/3/11
consistent thought
A part of me keeps waiting for you to remember me. But the problem is, you think you do remember me, and you hate what you remember. So it's time to stop waiting. It's been time, but I couldn't shake it.
8/20/11
issues
So here's what's wrong.
I'm going to a school I have absolutely no interest in attending.
I'm not going back to my school, the one I handpicked because it matched me.
All my friends are leaving town, going 204 miles away.
I am romantically alone and am starting to accept the fact that things will probably remain that way, simply because I have too many negatives and not enough positives.
I can't stand my job and my managers are, legitimately, mean to me.
I feel like everything I do/say is wrong.
Is that a solid enough list? Because I feel it's pretty damn overwhelming.
I'm going to a school I have absolutely no interest in attending.
I'm not going back to my school, the one I handpicked because it matched me.
All my friends are leaving town, going 204 miles away.
I am romantically alone and am starting to accept the fact that things will probably remain that way, simply because I have too many negatives and not enough positives.
I can't stand my job and my managers are, legitimately, mean to me.
I feel like everything I do/say is wrong.
Is that a solid enough list? Because I feel it's pretty damn overwhelming.
8/14/11
it's all in a name
Sometimes your favorite characters are named something really odd. Something like Albus, Holden, Mercutio. Sometimes your favorite characters are named something really simple and familiar, like Henry, Peter or Harry.
It's easy to name your character something familiar. But there you run the danger of making them forgettable. Will they live up to their name? Is this just some plain old Harry or is this Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived? Is it Peter from down the block, that one kid, or is it Peter Pan?
It's also easy to name your characters something not unlike the haphazard results of a dropped Scrabble set. Ghjk. There you go. It's Polish. But even still, the name must be something. Mercutio, that sad, lonely, fierce dreamer. Albus Percival Wolferic Bryan Dumbledore, our mentor for the ages. Mercutio would be nothing without his soliloquy on Queen Mab that brings every reader to their knees.
Are my character names memorable enough? Will they withstand the tests of time?
I will never know unless I give them something to be remembered for.
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