The realtor asked us to come up with a list of disclosures about our house, things a future buyer should know. I've created my own list.

You know that huge tree in the back corner of the the backyard, the cyprus? The one that sheds spiky orange things like crazy? It's only about half grown. Watch out.

The Christmas tree looks prettiest in the corner of the living room under the stairs, next to the bay window. That way it's in plain view as soon as you come in the front door, and it's furthest from the fireplace.

The floors in the kitchen etch. Anything you spill on it, even if it's just water, you need to clean up immediately. Sorry about that... it was my mom's flooring choice, and the bane of our existence.

Sorry about the scratches in the hardwood floors about three feet in front of the bay windows in the living room. I once had a dog, and she used to lay there, but she was sort of klutzy and would scratch the floors when she tried to get up.

Be especially nice to the walls in the foyer, upstairs and the stairwell. They're hand-painted, a nifty idea the painter had where he used either a rag or a plastic bag (I can't remember) to create that look, which makes it look like flowers and leaves. Also, the paint in the kitchen is hand-painted. The contractor, who moonlights as a muralist, painted those cracks and veins very carefully and by hand. So be careful with those.

There's a creak on the floor right in front of the stairs. Your teenagers will realize it's there and will take great pains to step over it when they come home past curfew.

On a similar note, the air vents in the basement go right up to the bedrooms. No funny business.

The rugs on the stairs are so soft and silky, but until you get used to them, avoid running up and down the stairs in socks. You will slip, and it won't be forgiving.

The closet in the bedroom closest to the front of the house is nearly soundproof, meaning you can't really hear anything happening in the house. If you're having a bad day, it's nice to crawl in there and ignore everything for a little while.

In the summer and fall, look out the window of that same bedroom, straight to the lake, and watch the light dance on the water.

The garage best houses an Infiniti G35 and a Volvo S80, but in place of the Volvo, an Audi A6 will do, too.

When you pull up in front of the house to park, line the nose of your car up with the line of asphalt closest to the neighbor's driveway: if you don't pull up this far, the mailman will make the effort to get out of his truck to leave a nasty-gram on your windshield saying he can't get to your mailbox, despite the fact that he's already out of his truck.

The playroom in the basement is the best place in the world to build blanket forts.

In the second bathroom upstairs, leave the door open a crack and the ventilator fan on while you shower, otherwise you'll overheat from the steam and feel like you're going to pass out.

Sorry about the weird outline of a dog on the driveway and a girl in the garage: it was a Halloween hijinks mishap that was supposed to wash away and some 6-8 years later still hasn't.

The screen door in the garage snaps shut faster when the weather gets colder, so if you don't hustle through the doorway, it'll bite the back of your ankle, which really freakin' hurts.

Only three of the six burners on the stove actually light up to the full flame. We don't get it.

I think that's pretty much it. I hope the realtor finds this a complete enough list.