a letter

Sometimes, you remember that things didn't used to be so bad. That's what I'm setting out to do. This one relationship inexplicably means everything to me, and I don't want to see it sink. Which is not to say that it's currently sinking, but I want to bolster it even further. I want to start all over, acknowledge the past and the beauty of it, but not take hits of the horrible parts like some drug laced with pain. And I want to remember the good things.

I love your smile. When I make you smile, I feel like I've won a prize.
I think it's amazing the passion you have for so many things. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not getting everything out of life because I don't feel the same excitement.
When you love, you love all the way, full on, and it's astounding.
You match my curiosity in all things.
You see beauty in the most unexpected places. Sometimes I think I'm not looking hard enough.
Debates with you are fiery and intelligent, and sometimes frustrating (but in a good way).
I love that when you're worried, you'll research it into the ground until you understand every aspect of it.
Most of all, I love that you're around. You may not be at my every call, and that bothers me a lot, but you're still always there.

Starting next Sunday, we've got a lot of work to do, but I think we can do it. Miss you.

a reminder


going off the deep end

I don't understand anti-gay beliefs. I know, that's a real humdinger of an opening statement, but I've just read a couple things and I'm a bit fired up. Where else to projectile vomit my personal opinions but on a public blog?

Salvation Army. An old friend's parents are generals (I'm pretty sure) in the Salvation Army. Very Christian family, which is all well and good, and the Salvation Army is in fact built on Christian principles, so that would make sense. You forget what kind of weight that carries in practice, though. The Salvation Army will refuse to help those who are homeless and in need if they are gay. I read a story of a man who went to the Salvation Army with his boyfriend and was turned away on account of his sexual orientation, and they were told that they could only receive aid if they broke up.

I must ask: why does anyone care? Not wanting to be around people who are gay because it puts a cramp in your Christian style is one thing. I say that very sarcastically, but I'm being serious: if it makes you uncomfortable, if you feel that by befriending someone who is gay goes against your beliefs, fine. You're annoying, but fine. I also understand why you wouldn't want two men/women getting married in your church. It goes against the values of that religion, and therefore is unacceptable to the patrons of that church. Completely understandable.

But why should anyone care what goes on behind closed doors? Assuming that Christianity is the be-all-end-all religion and God and Hell are real and true as the Bible states it, why do you care if they are damned to Hell when they die? It simply isn't your problem.

Also, were you aware that the Boy Scouts of America openly discriminates against those who identify as gay? This has multiple levels. If you are a young member of the organization and suddenly find the strength within yourself to recognize who you truly are and, furthermore, come out, they will forcibly remove you from the organization. If you are a gay father/guardian, you are not permitted to be a mentor/leader, nor are you allowed to host events for your child's troop because they do not want the children subjected to such deteriorated morals.

I wonder what these people think is going to happen to the children. Will too much time around people who are gay begin to slowly convert them to the dark side? Will they start shooting up heroine in back alleys because of the steady dose of moral corruption they have been suffering? Unlikely.

I think that's pretty much all I have to say on the subject.


smells like...

My room smells like man. Cologne, musk, shower, sweet. Smells like memories. It's the smell of things gone. I like having the scent around. Just the scent, though. Maybe one day I'll want the hair, the warm hand, the eyes and the face and the whole body. But today, for a while, I just want the scent. It's a weird, indescribable ghost of feeling: the feeling that I don't especially want anything more. And that is progress. My room smells like progress.


I am an emotional shopper and an emotional eater. When I feel the need to make myself feel better, I buy myself a headband or eat a Starburst. I'm okay with that. It might actually be kind of cute.


a different light

There are things that I will miss. I will miss knowing exactly where to go to find a friend at any given moment of the day. I will miss having a kitchen full of everything I like and nothing I don't. I will miss sitting in my bedroom, silent save for the pouring rain outside. I will miss the brick buildings, and the curiosity within them. I might miss walking almost anywhere I want to go. Sometimes, I'll even miss the quiet.


happy things to bear in mind

Dark chocolate. Late night drives with the windows down and crisp summer night air coursing over my skin. Driving through the country on a sunny warm day. The Beatles. Laughing about nothing with wonderful friends. An unexpected kiss. Perfect grilled cheese. Dangly earrings. Watching a movie with someone I love. My dad playing guitar. Reading.


days like that

There's a guilty pleasure in the quiet offerings of Dashboard...

And she pulled you in,
and she bit your lip,
and she made you hers.
She looked deep into you as you lay together,
quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer.

I want a passionate summer romance. I want the teenage thing -- the parks at midnight, long car rides with the windows down, kissing until you forget what you're doing. I want something pretty.

I'm such a hopeless romantic. When will it end? When will I get these things off my mind? When will I have peace in solitude?

...and what if it never happens?


distant wish

"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'." Felipe knows me better than anyone else in the world because he has cared about my everything, all the time, every day for the last nine years. On April 2, 2011, looking out over the Chicago skyline from the Navy Pier Ferris Wheel, Felipe promised to be my witness for the rest of our lives.

I don't get super worked up over engagements anymore. I figure maybe that'll happen to me someday, or maybe not. And it doesn't really matter, because I'm enough for me to figure out. 

But this one... this one kind of got me. Leave it to Lydia to make it beautiful and out-of-the-ordinary. Leave it to her to make it extraordinary. 

I want someone to care about my everything. I want someone to be my witness.


outside looking in

"Why can't you women love us, faults and all? Why do you place us on monstrous pedestals? We have all feet of clay, women as well as men; but when we men love women, we love them knowing their weaknesses, their follies, their imperfections, love them all the more, it may be, for that reason. It is not the perfect, but the imperfect, who have need of love. It is when we are wounded by our own hands, or by the hands of others, that love should come to cure us - else what use is love at all? All sins, except a sin against itself, Love should forgive. All lives, save loveless lives, true Love should pardon. A man's love is like that. It is wider, larger, more human than a woman's. Women think that they are making ideals of men. What they are making of us are false idols merely. You made your false idol of me, and I had not the courage to come down, show you my wounds, tell you my weaknesses. I was afraid that I might lose your love, as I have lost it now."

- "An Ideal Husband" by Oscar Wilde

unlit candles

Life is such a delicate balance. Emotions are such a tightrope walk. And love is a game of hide-and-seek that right now isn't very much fun.