the saddest dreamscape

I had a dream last night that I was a few years older, and I had a husband and a daughter. She was only an infant, maybe a year old. I went away for a while on a research trip, and when I returned they had developed a routine together that I was not part of. He knew what her little cries meant, and they had a system. She didn't want me. When he put her in the carrier, I asked to carry her. He agreed, reluctantly. I tried not to bounce the carrier as I walked because she was asleep, but I couldn't hold it steady. I kept knocking it against my leg.



What a terrible, horrible weekend. I feel like I spent the entire weekend in tears, but I really didn't cry that much. I just... I missed out on a wonderful weekend with my friends and instead spent the entire weekend working at a job I hate and arguing with my best friend. I thought I would be taken out on a date, but he was just kidding. I thought I'd get to go to a park again, but that fell through. I thought I might go out, but I'm broke.

And now I'm realizing that when I want to be alone, I don't get it. Either someone is demanding my attention or someone is just floating around and I feel the need to float, too. It's not normally a problem, but sometimes I just need to fucking be alone. And when I desperately want to be around people, interacting and having a good time, they're too busy.

I feel like my life is a downward spiral. I am lonely, but surrounded. I am broke, but working. I am bored, but learning. I don't ever seem to get what I want, even if it's just something little like the right ice cream. Everything feels wrong, out of place. I feel out of place.


a story about a nice man

Yesterday, an older, portly gentleman of approximately 70 came into my store. He looked slightly disoriented, like perhaps he had stumbled into the wrong store by some unhappy accident. I walked up to him and, as is customary procedure in my store, said, "Hello, sir, and how are you doing today?"

He turned his ruddy face toward me and his eyes expanded behind large glasses. "How do you think I'm doing when a beautiful woman walks up and says hello to me?" He laughed heartily. "Do I get a hug, too?"

Surprised, I laughed, as well. "No, sir, not today, I think." I appraised him quickly, noting that our store was probably not going to suit his fancy. "What brings you in today?"

He looked around. "I always walk into stores like this thinking I'll be able to wear the younger stuff, and then I realize I'm not as young as I think I am." He laughed again. I enjoyed his laugh. I informed him that our wares are relatively simple, which makes much of it suitable for all ages. I knew that what I was saying was completely worthless because he obviously wasn't going to buy anything here, but I didn't want to get in trouble with my manager for too quickly rebuffing a customer. He shook his head, thanked me for my effort.

He then told me that I was a wonderful employee. "Really, if I had a store, I would want you to work there. You're very good."

"Thank you," I told him.

"You know, you're going to go very far in life. You're just magnificent, I can tell. You're lucky in that God stretched your skin in a nice way, but it's not that, it's that your soul is lovely. You're very bright, people trust you and they like you. You'll go far in life, I know it. And there's something about the timbre of your voice... lovely, very bright."

I blushed. He thanked me again for my efforts. He left, and I stood where I had met him, stunned and pleased.