do work.

Sometimes the things you wouldn't expect to help, actually do help.

I'm reevaluating the people in my life. Let's face it, this kind of forward thinking should have been done a ridiculously long time ago. I'm going to hang on to the people that love me no matter what: to quote Beth and Heather, "I wanna show you my love with my strength but I'm afraid I'll break you! I wanna hug you harder but I don't wanna break a rib!" (Good late night at Taco Bell.) As for the people that are around when it's convenient for them? Eh. I don't need that at this stage in my life. That was fine when I was younger and had more people to hang out with than I knew what to do with. These days, life is moving too fast for that and I want people to move in tandem with me. If I graduate, they're still there for me. If I move home, we'll still talk. If I move somewhere else, we'll visit. I should not be constantly angry with the people I thought were my friends. Good friends don't leave you confused and angry every single time you get off the phone.

The semester is almost over. I am gearing up to have a good final semester. I bowed out of any executive position in my organization, even the one I most wanted, in order to relax and have fun without any concerns. Jaimee and I are going to start working out together next semester because I have a rather lofty goal of getting my body to look like it never went to college. Come New Years, I won't be eating any fast food, just like last spring semester. Things are looking okay in the most tangible senses.

I don't care what people think or feel anymore. I'm going to work for me. For once. And I can think of a few people who won't be particularly fond of that. You know what? I just don't care.

Have you ever looked Fear
in the face and said,
"I just don't care"?

friendship

This morning I had a dream that it was today and I was leaving to go back to school. I was walking from my house to Megan's (because for some odd reason all my things were at her house) and I was clutching the little brown bear you gave me when I was fifteen. When I was very near Megan's house, I heard you very loudly telling people I love at my house that you wanted to see me before I left and you were going to catch up to me. I heard you running down the road, and when you caught up to me you did not slow down: you ran past me to a group of people. You talked to them for a while. Then you went and looked at the cars in the driveway. Then you went inside. You never said a word to me. Then I left.

I have realized that I always say I want to come home and see my friends, but what really happens is I come home and I miss my friends. My really good friends. The ones who don't PMS on me every other day (which is an interesting thought considering all my other friends are girls).

And I don't appreciate you directing an entire entry toward telling me off. I was angry last night. Everyone was out with someone, and I was alone. But I don't have to explain myself, because it was a blog entry and I was saying what I was feeling. If I am going to wake up every morning after I compose an entry to find a publicized diatribe in my honor, I'm not going to feel able to write my thoughts.

facebook is the debil

^^ Isn't it pretty?

Yet another person I know engaged. Just gonna bite my tongue. One day. Onnnneeeee day I will be loved. I just have to keep convincing myself of that. One of these days. And if I keep deluding myself, maybe one of these days it'll be true.

a little wish

One day, I will meet a man. He will be wonderful. I think that's all.

these are a few of my favorite things

You Fit Into Me

You fit into me
like a hook into an eye.

A fish hook
an open eye.
- Margaret Atwood

Solitary Observation Brought Back

From A Sojourn In Hell

At midnight tears

run into your ears.

- Louise Bogan

Résumé

Razors pain you; rivers are damp;

acids stain you; and drugs cause cramp;

Guns aren't lawful; nooses give;

Gas smells awful; you might as well live.

- Dorothy Parker

Upon Entering

I shall die in my boots.

Kick open the saloon doors

of heaven or hell,

lasso the darkest hombre

and shoot any hat in the house

who doesn't buy me a drink.

- Kim Konopka

A Man Said to the Universe

A man said to the universe,

"Sir, I exist!"

"However," replied the universe

"the fact has not created in me

a sense of obligation."

- Stephen Crane 

 

the warmest blankets

I want to wallpaper my eyelids with all the most beautiful quotes in the world. Movies and poems and songs. I want to cry beautiful words. And every time I blink, it's like clicking onward to the next slide of the most wonderful slide-show, a brand new heartbreak.

There you are,
sitting in the garden,
clutching my coffee,
calling me Sugar.
You called me Sugar.

mania

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming. OH OH O-OH! What do we do? We swim swim SWIM!

I may not be able to watch Finding Nemo on Netflix, but god dammit I will watch something Disney, because god dammit dreams come true! A dream is a wish your heart makes!

My brain is cracked. I think I've got some kind of mania on my hands here, too. I didn't want to admit it for some reason, but I've noticed that when I'm in a good mood and not thinking about how everything absolutely sucks, I'm hyper or jittery. Right now, I'm not necessarily happy but my hands are shaking and I'm vibrating. That's bad. Not to self-diagnose or anything, but that's probably generally bad.

And I'm sure pop psychology has its place and I'm sure some of those methods are very good and work on many people, and I know those closest to me only want the very best for me, but I just don't see how completely murdering a relationship that means a lot to me could ever be productive for me. Again, I'm sure pop psychology has its place and I'm sure that's a method that works for a lot of people, but I'm not interested, god dammit.

In other news, did you know there's really no difference between organic fruits and veggies and normal fruits and veggies? They taste the same. And really, calling a fruit or veggie organic is just repetitive redundancy. Silly hippies.

thursday can't come fast enough

"I knew it the very first time I touched her... it was like coming home."

"Never steal, lie, or cheat. But if you must steal, steal away someone's sorrows. And if you must lie, lie with me all the nights of my life. And if you must cheat, cheat death, because I couldn't live a single day without you."

 One day.

And it's not true what you said. Not every man would run. Someone will stay. Maybe. One day.

don't call me

I would really like to go home now please. I very much feel like I'm going to vomit and I can't breathe. I just want my mother. My head and face really hurt. I feel two-timed and angry. I feel not-enough. But I mostly feel like I'm going to vomit. Can someone please just take me home?

honey don't

 It's day one. D-Day. The end of it all, or maybe the beginning. Or maybe nothing at all.

I'm nervous, for some stupid reason. I'm not wasting money -- in fact, I'm not spending any at all. And really, there's only one direction, and that's up, right?

I'm not making this up, right?

"this'll be the day that i die"

 There's a lot of wisdom to be had in classic rock.

Did you write the book of Love,
and do you have faith in God above?
Well, if the Bible tells you so.
Do you believe in rock 'n roll?
Can music save your mortal soul and
can you teach me how to dance real slow?

Well I know that you're in love with him
coz I saw you dancing in the gym.
You both kicked off your shoes.
Man, I dig those rhythm and blues!
I was a lonely teenage broncin' buck
with a pink carnation and a pick-up truck,
but I knew I was out of luck
the day the music died.

Or how about this little gem:

A singer in a smoky room...
the smell of wine and cheap perfume.
For a smile they can share the night,
it goes on and on and on and on.

I think there's a lot to be learned from classic rock. I think they knew something Lil Wayne just can't seem to grasp. I think they held the secret of Life or something. I think I should take up listening to classic rock more often. Jesus, isn't that what parents' old records and a well-tuned Pandora station are for?

And by the by... I actually did dye my hair. I take small steps outside of my comfort zone, and I do them on my own time, but I do take them.

roses and thorns

 
I can do what I'm told... occasionally, and when it suits me. Like a cat. Only if it's my idea.

So I was told to consider roses and thorns. The good things, and the bad. The bad things that I have to focus on, because they're an important part of my day.

Okay, so, roses: Bollywood movie today with some friends. Might dye my hair (!!!), who knows. Might go grab a cheap dinner with friends. Had a mostly great conversation with my best friend all morning. Finally got in contact again with my other best friend, and so far it's not inflammatory.

Thorns? I dunno, part of my all-morning-long conversation with my best friend took a pretty severe header at one point, but all is recoverable. Neal might not come for formal, which would suck. I have a lot of homework and not a lot of time because I kind of spread myself thin today.

Those are pretty weak thorns. But it's a lazy Sunday... how bad can it really be?

*jinx*

bleak

God hates me. I'm convinced. Please, for the love of anything and everything that's holy, can something please look up? I had this outlook for my future, that maybe I could be special and make a difference. Of course that got smashed. What the hell am I doing anymore? Why the hell am I bothering?

Tomorrow, first thing, I'm going to figure some things out. I'm going to see what's wrong. I pretty much already know what's wrong, but I'm going to get it straight from the horse's mouth. Wish me luck with at least one of my mother fucking endeavors.

the emo-ness never ends

What it really comes down to... is scarves. Scarves. Why could I finish yours... and not my own?

There is a big problem here. And I am going to try really hard to fix it. I just feel meek, like I'm stuck feeling like this forever. Like I'm going to be stuck with this incomplete scarf forever.

it's getting colder

Last night I was laughed at for not having been on a date in months, and if you exclude my ex, never having been on a date. I was also called selfish. Later I was called a bitch. This morning someone else called me a whore.

Where the hell do people get off? And why am I used to hearing most of this? How could I ever get used to any of that?

And while I'm totally apathetic, anyone else wanna take a hit?