I know it's a little early for end-of-year reflections, but I want to lay it all out, organize it, think about it, and resolve it.
Let us begin at the beginning of the year, where I was still dealing with an horrific break-up, seeking counseling for clinical depression, and watching the man I loved seemingly love someone else. In retrospect, I don't know what happened. I don't know why everyone else seems so capable of moving on, but I sank until I hit the bottom of the well, and then I couldn't even look up. Perhaps it was because I felt like I couldn't get away from it. The beginning of the year marks the middle of me refusing to speak to him, which in some respects helped. I defined it as this: when I was speaking to him, I felt so sickeningly horrible; when I wasn't, I felt nothing. I reasoned that feeling nothing was a step up from feeling horrible.
February I found out I have hypothyroidism. Not a huge thing, it just means my thyroid doesn't work hard enough. It explained a lot of things, and taking medicine for it helps. But it scared me, because of the constant medicine thing, and because the only thing that had ever been wrong with my was my vision and my allergies to silicone, grass and pine trees. Also, it meant I had to have blood drawn on a tri-monthly basis until my levels evened out (which they haven't yet, 10 months later), and I am terrified of having blood drawn.
Moving on to my 21st birthday. I went out at midnight with my ex, which was the winding down party of Mardi Gras. It was so much fun, and we discovered my favorite bar ever down on Washington Ave. It was a fun, drunken night. But also, it was turbulent. I managed to continue having fun into the following night, the actual night of my birthday, when I went out with all my amazing friends. The turbulence continued, but my friends made sure I was too drunk to care for very long. I have amazing friends :)
In April he left her, and we started talking more and hanging out more. It felt good. But I'm a creature of habit.
In May I graduated. That was a bittersweet moment. I did it a year early, which was nice and I was very proud of myself, but I also hated myself because I felt like I had intentionally torn myself away from all my friends prematurely. Why would I do that to myself? But all was well. I moved home, set up shop here. I still get to see them, though it tears me up how infrequently.
In late May, I visited Spain. A beautiful, amazing trip. My favorite part was the Alhambra in Granada, the last Muslim stronghold in Spain. So spectacular. I wish I hadn't been so lonely on that trip. It was really an overbearing feeling over the course of the entire trip, and I feel kind of petulant saying so. But I wouldn't trade that trip for the world. I'd just perhaps force a friend to go with me.
In June my dad shut down his firm. That meant no more income. I thought we were avoiding the economy, just sitting in our warm house looking out the window at it, but now we were in it, too. "Were"... really we are. I've had friends deal with this, and I suppose I just didn't understand until I experienced it, too. It sucks. I'm done experiencing it.
July passed with little activity. I searched for a job, I played computer games a lot. With no money and little morale, I didn't feel much impetus to accomplish anything.
In August I got the worst job ever. I also got a UTI. Guess which one sucks more. I really can't tell you, because they're about equal. I hate my job. It completely ruins my self-esteem on a day-to-day basis. The UTI was pretty awful, too. Also in August, school started. This was a day I had been meaning to avoid, the day I attended a school I didn't want to go to, a school where the only person I knew was literally never on campus at the same time as me. I was taking night classes, which I've always hated, and working all day during the day and on weekends.
September and October passed in a blink. I worked. I went to school. For Halloween I dressed up as a gypsy in order to loaf around my house and hand out candy to all 9 trick-or-treaters. I watched a horror movie with my family.
In November the house went on the market. This is not something I talk about, and that is intentional.
Now, in December, we are gearing up for the weirdest Christmas we've ever had, with the least accoutrements we've ever seen. I'm searching for a new job. Both my parents are looking for work. It's sort of a bleak situation, but I've been listening to Christmas music out the wazoo, and I will be buying the tree and paying for the Christmas cookies. I will make it look normal. Maybe I will buy a small trinket for people close to me (though I probably won't get to that under the glare of tuition and textbooks). I am determined to feel normal this Christmas. (A thought! I may not be able to buy anything, but I can afford a thing of yarn! I have time to knit gifties!)
I know that January 1st doesn't represent anything but another day on a new calendar. But I need it to mean something to me. This year was... not good, overall. It had bright spots, but overall I think I can say that I have never been so happy to see the tail end of a year than this one. I need January 1st to be a turnaround. I need it to start something brand new and better. I deserve something brand new and better, I think.