so conflicted i typed it from my phone.

I am extremely confused. I feel sick as a dog, but I wonder if I feel like this in part because my emotions are in the way. I'm happy to be home, but I wonder if it was a silly idea missing my last undergrad Halloween. My freshman year, I handed out candy in the dorms and went to bed. My sophomore year I went out with my best friend and my boyfriend of the time, both of whom came to visit, and I remember my boyfriend being irritated with me and then dancing with a bunch of women, then sitting back and telling them to "just do whatever, I'll sit here and watch." And this year I've come home. I spent $60 on (albeit reusable) jewelry for a costume I won't wear because my two in-town friends are for once out of town. One is visiting a mutual friend who currently hates me. They are both very excited to hang out. They're having an absolute blast together. They are both coming up to my school to visit me in a couple weeks for my formal, but because I told them to, not because they chose to or particularly want to. At school I would have been dragged out to a party, date dash (for which I have no date). I would have stayed out for a bit, then turned in no later than midnight because I feel like shit, microwaved.

I think this weekend is just kind of a mess no matter how you cut it. I'm sad though, that for once someone cared enough to seek me out and I wasn't fucking there. I just don't know how to feel besides constantly angry. That's all I ever seem to be anymore is angry. Maybe not on the surface, but underneath it all I am angry.

I guess the one upside is this: all I was really excited about was going to sleep cuddling with Oliver, but he didn't want me. In the process of typing this, however, he has returned and is cleaning himself, preparing for the long haul that is a full night's rest with me :)