accumulating thoughts

Am I happy?

Well, that's a doozy of a question. As a matter of speaking, yeah, I'm pretty happy. I have good friends, I'm about to graduate college (a year early, no less!), my family is awesome, I'm going to Spain in short of five months, my 21st birthday is in two months as of yesterday, and college graduation is exactly four months away as of today. I'm going to work this summer, living at home, saving to spend either the New Year or St. Paddy's Day in Ireland and a couple weeks the following summer in Germany. I'm going to re-vamp my bedroom to look all growed up. I am on the dating scene and it's exciting and I'm completely ready for it.

There's something I'm not happy about, though. I'm not happy about having to sever my closest friendship. But he was hurtful, he was difficult, and I was always in serious emotional distress. The more I tried, the worse everything felt. And so I had to end this friendship. I don't like it. I miss him so, so much... but I miss who he was when he was younger. He changed, and I don't like the person he became, unfortunately. So I was in mass amounts of emotional and mental pain. Now I am numb. It's like a sliding scale: I was very low on the scale, and ceasing transmission took me up just a bit on that scale to where I can't really feel anything. No where near the middle, and certainly not up into the happiness end of things... not in that corner of my life, anyway. I'd rather be numb than hurting. I'd rather have my old friend back than not have him in my life at all. But some decisions had to be made, and I'm coping.

So yes, relatively speaking, I'm happy.