1/11/11

a brand new profession


I'm still learning how to do this, every single day, every step of the way. For example: not talking to my ex worked really well for over two weeks. Then he contacted me. And I answered, because it always makes me mad when people don't answer me, so why would I do that to them, even if they are my ex? We hashed some things out, and I had a glimmer of hope for our future. Then I saw a picture my friend had tagged of himself on facebook, and in the background my ex and his new girlfriend were making out. There were a ton of pictures of them together. Let me just throw myself a very brief pity party and say this: there are no pictures in existence of us together like that. That being said, I burst into tears at the sight of it. That would not have upset me, at least not like that, a few days ago -- before he contacted me. This all made me realize that I am not even remotely ready to take on that friendship. I need new things in my life first, I need an emotional independence. I cannot live this angry anymore. And I really wasn't all that angry when we weren't talking. So that clears that up: we're still not friends, and we're still not talking. Plain and simple.

The downside of all this learning how to cope? It takes for fucking ever and it hurts like a bitch.

The upside? I'm going to be a professional at fixing myself and coping when I'm done.

Edit: By the by, one other little note about those pictures that's a guilty thought and I have to get off my chest: my ex looks terrible. Not in the "I hate my ex" kind of way but in the "Oh my god, what the hell have you been doing to yourself?!" kind of way. It shouldn't matter to me, but I am worried about him. The bones in his face stick out. His face! I can't even imagine what his ribs or hips must look like. And he was wearing a shirt that my best friend gave to him a very long time ago when she went to New York, and he hasn't been able to wear it because it was always unbelievably small on him -- like, child-sized small. It is now baggy on him. I'm concerned. But again, it doesn't matter to me. Just had to get it off my chest.

No comments:

Post a Comment